Empty Nesting

In which I ruminate on our new living arrangements...

Mornin', all.

Hold on a sec... Lemme just do one thing...

I don't know if y'all can hear that from wherever you are, but that sound is what we around here like to call "silence."

It's not just the silence of an early morning before anyone is up, nor is it the silence of a small town, periodically punctuated by the horn from the lumber mill or the clock tower at the church down the street.

This is the silence that comes only in a house that is empty of progeny--and not just empty for a day or a week, but empty for good, most likely.

Because as of last Friday, The Man and I officially became empty nesters when Baby Bird #4 flew the nest.

We've known this day was coming. It didn't entirely sneak up on us. Baby Bird #4 has been working on plans to move back to Oregon for a few months now, and even before then, it was pretty clear she wouldn't be here too much longer.

But now the day has arrived, and we find ourselves in a spot where we haven't been since 1998: thinking about how to spend our time with each other since all we have to worry about are dogs and cats.

Not gonna lie--this is a pretty big change for us. And of course, any time I go through a big change, I have to ruminate here...

This is a Good Thing...

Let me state for the record--this change is ultimately a good one. I never set out to encourage my kids to live with me forever. I always looked forward to the time when they'd set out to build their own lives. I want to see what they'll do! Baby Bird #4 is almost 20 now, and as my bestie says, "she has all the tools she needs" to strike out as an adult.

Of course, without any kids in the house, my life will change in a lot of ways--some small, some not-so-small.

I'll definitely have fewer distractions around here. It's not like I was actively parenting a nearly 20-year-old; once she finished her high school diploma, she was basically doing her own thing--working, hanging out with a couple of friends she made here, planning excursions with friends back in Oregon...

But when she was here, I took her presence into account. When I planned meals, I thought about what she would like; when I grocery shopped, I asked if she needed anything. Because she worked vastly different hours than I do, there were times when she wanted to chat while I was trying to work, or times when I needed to clean something while she was sleeping, so I sometimes worked around her needs. Now, with only two people to cook for and one person to work around, I might be able to wrangle a slightly better work/writing schedule out of myself.

There's also the fact that we now have three bedrooms, and we only use one of them (we also have two offices). We have possibilities now--we're sleeping in the smallest of the three bedrooms, and dear daughter had the nicest closet, so do we move into her room? Finally remodel the other, bigger bedroom for ourselves? Do I move my office upstairs and convert this room into a bedroom? It’s a lot to think about.

It's also just good that she feels ready enough to start on her adult life. Of course there will be bumps, bruises, and redirections, but these are all things she has to figure out on her own (or maybe with a little coaching--more on that in a minute).

...But I'm a Little Verklempt...

Of course, even though I'm happy that she's striking out on her own, it's definitely bittersweet.

All of my mom demons have been stirring up trouble for the last few weeks as she's made plans and navigated her changes, and I've had to smack down all the regrets and recriminations about all the ways I failed, all the mistakes I made, all the lessons I didn't teach well enough... And yes, I absolutely find myself tearing up sometimes when I remember my adult kids as littles. I see pictures pop up in my memories, and some of them make my throat catch so hard that it takes a few minutes to recover.

It should be good that I don't have to make sure anyone gets up or turns in homework or eats their vegetables or does their chores, and it is. But also, it's a little bit painful to think that these four adults are now basically free-floating radicals that are going to do their own thing, no matter what I think of it.

... And There Will Be Adjustments...

There are so many little adjustments to make that I can't even count them all. Now that we don't have a reliable house sitter here, we can't just leave without considering pet care. Dear daughter will be taking her cat (I'll drive him down to Oregon as soon as she's settled in and ready for him), but we still have one other cat and two dogs and no other family around to ask for help.

I will definitely need to adjust my cooking. Going from six to five wasn't too tough, but five to four was really hard. Four to three was tricky, especially since one of the three wasn't always here for meals and didn't always want to eat with us. And if I'm honest, I'm still sort of calibrated for four or five, which means a lot of leftovers. I need to start cutting down my recipes. Of course, this is also a chance for us to think about what we actually like to eat and how many leftovers we can tolerate...

But the biggest adjustment I need to fully make is the one from active parent to coach.

It's not that I'm not a mom anymore--it's that I've transitioned into a coach more than a parent. I field a lot of phone calls and text conversations about life management, job issues, and general adulting. I don't mind them (usually), but I never entirely know when they're going to come. Older daughter works nights as a nurse, so I often wake up to texts she's sent overnight and have long conversations with her by text early in the morning. Oldest son is three hours ahead of me, and his duty schedule is impossible to know, so his calls come at random times (and then not at all when he's at sea). And younger son calls or texts infrequently, but when he does, it's often for a lengthy convo that I don't want to miss. Where the youngest will fall on this spectrum? I don't know, but I'll definitely want to be available when she needs help.

These are the interruptions I deal with these days--the random calls and messages from my adult kids. I do occasionally message my mom and my best friend, but mostly, it's the kids. It makes me a little sad but also a little hopeful that they're managing.

As the bestie said, they have all the tools they need...

The question is, do I?

... So We Forge Ahead

These next few weeks will be a little strange--or maybe a lot strange. I'm planning to drive the cat down to Oregon whenever dear daughter is ready for him, we have a long trip coming up where we'll be taking the camper down to visit the in-laws, and we're hoping to get a few little repair projects done around the house before winter sets in. The fact that the first few weeks of our empty nest adventure will be busy with work, trips, and contractor management will make it a little tough to really process these changes.

But come mid-October, I'll be settling in for a long winter mostly without kids around. I'm hoping that at least a couple of them will come up around Christmas, but that's still a little up in the air. I would like to make a lot of progress on my book. I'd also like to remodel/refresh some bedrooms before spring. And I want to redouble my efforts on my health and fitness; I still haven't totally recovered from everything that led up to my surgery earlier this year.

I want to believe I have the tools to be a really productive empty nester, but I guess only time will tell. Just like with every other life change, all I can really do is take each day as it comes and try to make it a little better than the day before.

So in that spirit... onward to the next adventure!